My Life The Way I See It

I have been reading a book entitled ‘Buddhism Plain and Simple’. It offers an alternative approach to life than continually trying to feel better. You’re simply ‘awake’ in the present moment. That’s it basically. The simplicity of it appeals to me. You cease all goal oriented activity – including trying to feel better. So which of the two is right? You’re free to do whichever one you want of course. Personally I like both. I can’t reject either of the two philosophies. I’m thinking of trying some kind of fusion of them. I think contradictory ideas can coexist in the mind even though it might seem impossible. Thinking around the problem is somewhat vexing though I must admit.

This is the first post I have written for about 18 months. This is because I have been unable to get down to it. You could call it writer’s block. I was prompted to attempt to write one today because I am struggling with my thoughts and I felt putting them into words might help a bit. Being a mental patient entails enduring a good deal of emotional strife. One stressful event leads to another and there is a knock on effect. It’s hard to see where one disaster ends and the next one begins. I suffer from borderline personality disorder which means I can get very angry from time to time. When this happens I sometimes break or damage property and I have been prosecuted for doing this in the past.

Shortly after I moved into my current address five years ago I had a row with a member of staff – it’s supported accommodation – and ended up trashing my entire flat to distract myself from attacking the bloke. I did a good deal of damage. At one point I picked up a stand alone electric radiator and threw it at the door to the flat, making dents in the wood. I still worry there could be repercussions from that. My life is peppered with violent incidents and I have 6 criminal convictions. I have spent a total of 6 years on various psychiatric wards over a 30 year period. However I have been out of hospital for 7 years now. Lets hope I can keep it up.